i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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