Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
