I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
