He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
