you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My life is pants optional.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
