guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
