you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
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I need you to use more vowels.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
