i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
