if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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