We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
