he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
