I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just high enough for therapy.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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