i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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