We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize