Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
