My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize