I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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