; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
