i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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