I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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