just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize