I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
the raccoons are back...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
