My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize