you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
