Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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