when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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