Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
