What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
