He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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