I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
