I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
being pregnant is like rehab
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
