Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
