now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
