...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
