I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
