What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
