the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
