Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
