she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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