____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
