I want to have your abortion
It's Friday. Sex?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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