i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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