I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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