Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
