my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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