so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
