You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
