Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
