If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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