Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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