you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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