I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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