And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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