He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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