ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
