i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
