Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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