just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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