I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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