have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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