I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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