and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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