I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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