Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
